What people most often mistake for care
The confusion holds because the gestures really do look the same from the outside. Someone who's worried and someone who's checking up on you send the same message: "where are you?" Worry wants to know you're okay; checking wants to know you're where you said you'd be. The difference isn't in the message, but in what happens if you don't reply for an hour.
Another common case is help you didn't ask for. He canceled your plans because you looked tired; decided for you while you were hesitating. Care takes away a burden you said you had. The substitute takes away your decision - and does it in advance. A useful question: who felt calmer after that help. A third case is "I'm jealous, so I love you": jealousy tells you about the fear of the jealous person, and has nothing to do with your safety.
No single episode proves anything: people really do worry, and they really do go too far. The red flag isn't the episode but the direction. A year ago, you traveled alone; now it's "better together." You had friends; now "they get in your head." The list of things you do without him gets shorter.
Two questions that separate care from control
First: what does it serve? Care serves your ability to cope: afterward, you can do more than you could before. Control serves the peace of mind of the person controlling you: you're less likely to risk making a mistake because you make fewer decisions.
Second: what happens to your "no"? A genuine offer of help can handle a refusal: you said "no thanks," and nothing fell apart. The substitute takes offense at a refusal because it wasn't really about help. One upset evening means nothing; what matters is repetition - having to justify yourself every time.
The cost of your "no": 0 - refusal goes unnoticed, 100 - explanations every time
The same phrase can sit at different points on the scale. "I was worried" after an accident and "I was worried" instead of answering why he read your messages are different things. Its place isn't set by the phrase, but by what objecting will cost you.
The criterion that helps you avoid arguing over shades of meaning is an old one. Psychoanalyst Erich Fromm measured love by what happens to the other person, not by how calm the person in love feels.
Love is an active concern for the life and the growth of that which we love.
What distinguishes care from control after you say "no"?
What should you look at when gestures seem caring?
Sources
- The concept of "coercive control" was described by sociologist Evan Stark in a 2007 book
- in England and Wales, this behavior has been a separate crime since 2015. Peter Glick and Susan Fiske wrote about care that limits independence ("benevolent sexism," 1996). Quote: Erich Fromm, "The Art of Loving," 1956
Next in the “Red Flags” series
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