Where your attention goes
You both focus on the issue. The goal is to find a solution, and the arguments can be checked
You both focus on each other. The goal is to be right, and arguments have become weapons
The shift usually happens at a specific moment, and you can notice it. While you're discussing where to go on vacation, it's an argument. As soon as someone says, "You always decide for both of us," the subject has changed: now you're discussing a person, not the trip.
Once the subject changes, arguments stop working. A logical point moves an argument forward, but in a fight it sounds like an attack, and the response is not about the issue but a counter-accusation. That's why it can feel as if the more reasonably you speak, the worse things get.
Signs it's no longer an argument
The first sign is the past entering the conversation. In an argument, you discuss what's happening now. As soon as events from three years ago come up, you're talking about keeping score between people, not the issue at hand.
The second is a change in pronouns. Instead of "we're deciding," you hear "you always" and "I always." The third is being unable to imagine an outcome that would work for both of you: if no such outcome remains, you're no longer discussing a problem.
- Name the subject out loud: what exactly are we talking about right now? You may find that you're talking about different things.
- When you notice the past entering the conversation, say so directly: we're talking about the trip right now; we'll discuss the old issue separately.
- Check whether there's an outcome that would work for both of you. If there isn't, you're no longer discussing the problem.
- Stop because of the time, not because someone has won: a pause with a stated time to resume brings the conversation back to the subject.
The first point matters most. Very often, it turns out that one person is talking about money while the other is talking about not being consulted. Until the subject is named, each of you keeps proving your own point and wondering why the other person isn't listening.
Why argue at all?
A complete lack of arguments isn't a sign of a healthy relationship. More often, it means someone has stopped bringing up difficult subjects. The difference between couples isn't the number of disagreements, but whether they keep the issue, rather than the person, at the center.
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Sources
- Shifting a discussion from the issue to the person and accumulating past grievances are described in studies of marital conflict as signs of a destructive communication style