Two different situations
It’s said rarely, acknowledges the issue, and the conversation stays focused on it
It’s said every time, the issue isn’t discussed at all, and the focus shifts to your reaction
The key in the right-hand column is the shift in focus. The conversation starts with something someone did, but a minute later it’s about your sensitivity. The original question remains unanswered, and the same thing happens again and again.
A comment about overreacting isn’t, by itself, a sign of bad intentions. People really do sometimes react more strongly than the situation calls for, and someone close to you can point that out. The difference lies in what happens next.
Why it hurts more than it seems
Constantly invalidating your reactions undermines your confidence in yourself. You stop trusting your own judgment: if every expression of outrage is labeled excessive, you have to keep checking whether you’re allowed to be angry.
Over time, you start staying quiet about small things, building them up, and then exploding over a major issue. That explosion is then presented as proof of the original claim that you can’t control yourself.
- Does the conversation return to what happened, or stay focused on your reaction?
- Do you hear this in response to almost any complaint?
- Is the issue acknowledged, at least partly?
- Do you find yourself getting into the habit of explaining in advance why you have the right to be upset?
- Do other people say the same thing in different situations?
The fourth point is the clearest sign. If you catch yourself preparing a justification for your feelings in advance, that already tells you something about how these conversations work.
The fifth point is about being honest with yourself. If different people comment on your reactions being excessive in different circumstances, it’s worth considering that possibility too - and that’s also something worth examining rather than dismissing.
How can you tell feedback from changing the subject?
What is the clearest sign?
Sources
- In relationship psychology, systematically invalidating a partner’s emotional reactions is described as a form of emotional invalidation
- a key sign is shifting the discussion from the issue itself to the other person’s reaction
Next in the “Red Flags” series
3 articles in full on the site, 3 more in the app
